Dear Alberta,
I’m so disappointed. We found our dream home, brand new, in a beautiful new neighborhood. About two weeks ago I started decorating for Halloween. Ira and I carved jack-o-lanterns for the front porch and I have a jangly plastic skeleton that I hang on the door and phony spider webs. On Saturday night I dressed up like a witch and Ira as a pirate. Nothing scary…just playful.

We had a big bowl of the best candy and were all ready to enjoy greeting all the children in their costumes. Alberta, nobody came. Not one ghost, zombie, nurse, cowboy, or pint sized football player! It was so sad. Then I realized nobody else had done any decorating. I don’t know many of the neighbors yet but I’ve seen kids riding around in the minivans that seem to be everywhere. Now I’m afraid we made a big faux pas at least or maybe we just got in the wrong neighborhood.   – Myrtle

Dear Myrtle, I bet you moved from a neighborhood where you had lived a long time and many of your neighbors had raised their kids there and most of you knew each other pretty well. Over the years the neighborhood customs kind of happen and you get all teary eyed about them.

My daughter, Crystal…God love her, but she’s too much like her mother…told me the story about when she and Chunky (not his real name) her husband moved to a new suburb in Atlanta when he got a job with a bank down there. He ended up picking out the house in October while she stayed behind for her kids to finish the school semester. When they got there for the Christmas holidays, one of her neighbors clued her in to “that one” down the street who had the audacity to string red lights along the edge of the roof, phony icicles from the gutters, wreathes on all the windows and parked a life sized Santa with a sled and all his reindeer lit up on the front lawn.

It seems a gaggle of the local trendsetters had decided that white electric candles in the windows and a wreath on the door where the only acceptable outside Christmas decorations. Well, we never lived in a neighborhood like that and Crystal ended up teaming up with the pariah and a refugee from Cleveland and had an unofficial annual contest to see who could come up with the gaudiest Christmas decorations. The hilarious part is that the biggest rebel became Chunky, and he’s a Jew! It was tense for a year or so  but as people got to know each other it all became a joke and the neighborhood turned into a delightful place to live.

All is not lost, dears, just because nobody’s got the Halloween spirit in your brand new neighborhood. You are obviously generous people and the world will never have enough generous people. Christmas is coming up and somewhere in that town or even in the neighborhood, there are kids that will need a little extra love to get them through. Find them and share.

Mr. Z reminded me that this is a real estate blog and wants me to make the point that neighborhoods are not just a collection of houses with shopping and schools nearby. They all have their own character…and characters.

Well, duh, no kidding. He fancies himself enlightened, but even he doesn’t appreciate how difficult it is to know what you’re going to run into in a new neighborhood. Some of these agent types, especially the ones that are so into the internet, don’t appreciate what they take for granted. They might even live in a neighborhood, but if something doesn’t fit into one of the fields in the almighty MLS, they have no clue how to communicate it to you. (OK, Mr. Z, you try.)

If you can’t drag it out of them, check things out yourself. My IBM husband used to talk about “analysis paralysis” so don’t overdo it. Sometimes you have to move quickly or let somebody else do the research like Crystal had to do with Chunky.  But if you keep your eyes and ears open…you can usually tell.  If not…I think I’ve said this before…it’s usually easier to change houses than it is change spouses and that happens all the time.

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(Alberta helps me out with questions occasionally with her unique point of view – Jay)

Dear Alberta…I love your old fashioned common sense and your sense of humor so I’m sure you’ll understand my dilemma.  It’ s time to sell our house. The kids are scattered around the country and we heard about deals on condos in Florida. All the agents we talk to want us to “stage” the house. What is this, a Broadway play?  We’ve collected stuff from around the world…good stuff too…and pictures of all  the kids and grandkids and aunts and uncles. Miss Broadway designer lady wants us to box all this stuff up an store it somewhere along with half our furniture. We just want a fair price for the house. Doesn’t anybody have any imagination anymore?

Martha and John in Hoboken

Dear Martha…Isn’t Hoboken where they buried the missing link? If my common sense is old fashioned,  yours should have been buried with the linkster over there.  One of the biggest mistakes I ever made was when one of the grandkids gave me one of those Precious Moments figurines before she could even talk.

Of course, I cooed all over her and the next thing you know, that’s what everybody gives grandma for her birthday…and Christmas…and Hanukkah…and Columbus Day. I was overrun by the creepy little things.

When I couldn’t stand it anymore I told the family they were stolen in a break-in (wasn’t I lucky they didn’t take the big screen) but I really gave them to my cleaning lady who seemed to like them but I found out later her son was selling them on ebay for her.

When the kids started trying to replace them I had to tell them that no, no my heart was broken and that I didn’t want to be reminded of the trauma of losing them.

Enough with the sentimentality! My advice is don’t store the stuff, throw it out or give it to the urchins and let them deal with the guilt when they throw it out. What are you going to do…decorate your slick condo with 50 year old overstuffed furniture. You wouldn’t be the first, but come on! Turn the page, brush up on your canasta and learn to play shuffle board.

Nobody coming to see your stuff. They want to imagine what they would do with their stuff.  Make it easy for them. That’s what staging is all about. Really good stagers can go beyond that. When I was looking for a townhouse down here, Mr. Z took me to see some new one’s where the model homes had been professionally staged.

It was a gloomy day. When I walked into the big master bedroom, all the paint was neutral, there was colorful art on the walls, the lighting was perfect, the bed was turned down and in this beautiful chaise was an equally beautiful shawl and an open copy of House Beautiful.  I thought I’d accidentally walked into Jackie Kennedy’s bedroom in her secret hideaway on Nantucket.  I felt like pulling off my shoes and settling in with that magazine and a Manhatten right then.

I bought one of those units the next day and live there now and probably paid too much. That’s how people buy houses. They fall in love. Nobody will fall in love with your old stuff.  Do what your agent says and get on down to Florida while you can still enjoy it.

By the way, Sweetums,  I’m afraid I don’t have  any more of a sense of humor than I have old fashioned common sense. The only joke I can remember is one I heard on NPR. Do you know why there are always only 239 beans in every bowl of Boston bean soup? Because one more bean would be too farty.

Two forty with a Boston accent…get it?

Yours Truly,

Alberta

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Alberta helps me out with questions occasionally with her unique point of view – Jay)

Dear Alberta…my husband and I are finally ready to buy a new home. We’ve been driving around looking at neighborhoods and we can’t seem to agree on anything. We’ve been camping out in his dumpy old townhouse since before we got married and it was never an issue because we knew we would  be getting our own place together. But now, I’m beginning to think he just wants to duplicate his “man cave”…but bigger. Is this what marriage is all about?

Oh Sweetie… Do you have a lot to learn! Men are animals.  For men a home is a roof over their heads. Until they’re domesticated a little bit they just don’t care what your mother or your girlfriend thinks about him or how he lives. That’s why they need us so much. Homes aren’t just shelter. They tell the world who you are and what kind of person you are.

You can chop liver on an old beat up formica countertop  just as well as granite but..eeuu…it says you’re still living in the sixties. Here are some little tips from old Aunt Alberta that will bring him around without faking a headache every night…which is no fun for anyone including you, my dear.

Most men are really as ditzy as a drunk kitten but they think they’re logical. Use this internet thingy to box him in on a few of the more important niceties.  Mr. Z here has one of the more interesting ways to search for a home right here on the website.

It might remind you at first of the directions your dad used to try to put together your bicycle that Christmas when you were 10 years old…you know…the ones that were a bad translation from the Japanese.

Have him rate how important different things are…you know, like close to good schools. Of course, he’s going to say “Oh, very important dear!” even though it had never occurred to him til you brought it up. Or a bedroom on another floor for your mother’s visits.

Think it through, darling, and plan it carefully. Before you know it he’ll be thinking about home buying like the domestic partner you knew he could be and not a frat house refugee.

Believe me Hon, it’s easier to move him a little bit on each feature than demand the house of your dreams right away.  Talk sweetly and guide him gently in the right direction and the search results you want will pop up at the top of the list. And the best part is he’ll think it’s all because he was so logical about it.

Once you have a some good choices grab Mr. Z and go see a few of the top ten. Oh, that Leno guy is so funny…or is it Letterman? Who cares!

Now that you’ve got your guy thinking about it he’ll play the game and…best of all…he’ll believe he really wants that double oven in turquoise.

But keep and open mind! Mr. Z will tell you that “buyers are liars.”  Not on purpose, of course, but no matter how careful they are. most people don’t know what they really want until they see it.

All of a sudden they can ignore sagging floors and leaky pipes and the cars on cinder blocks in the next yard and fall in love with a home. Mr. Z will tell you, a couple will walk across a threshold, look each other in the eyes and know that this is where they want to have kids. It’s magic, but it happens all the time.

Last but not least…if your guy is bringing home at least half the dough…or even less…let him have a man cave. Maybe it’s a basement or the garage or a bonus room or a den, but let him do what he wants with it.

It will drive you nuts for a while but get over it. There will be times…believe me honey, I know…when you will hope he doesn’t come out of that cave for days.  Everybody needs a little space.

And don’t fret. Shop for your home carefully but but go with your heart and if it doesn’t work out, just remember, houses are easier to change than husbands and not nearly as expensive.

Yours Truly, Alberta

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Occasionally I come across a question that I just don’t know how to answer without writing an e-book. My friend Alberta thinks it’s because I’m a typical insensitive male whose empathetic tendencies were dulled long ago…but she likes me anyway!

She’s agreed to tackle some of these questions for me when they come up. To say that Alberta has lived life would be an understatement. She’s had three husbands (one died, two divorced.) She’s got three children and six step-children and a few of them still talk to her. She won’t admit to any grandchildren. She’s not into politics much but thought Jack Kennedy was cute and voted for him. She’s lived in the Triangle  region of  North Carolina for most of her life except for a couple of decades on Long Island where her first husband owned a Oldsmobile dealership and a life insurance agency.  Before he died she kept his books and delivered checks to grieving widows and an occasional widower, which was how she met her second husband who moved her here when he was transferred by IBM.

Her prescription for most ailments is chicken soup. She doesn’t trust doctors much but did have a little “work” done on a trip she took to South America a few years ago. Most of what she knows about the technical aspects of real estate come from listening to my complaints during difficult transactions and from her third husband who was a closing attorney who handled thousands of real estate closings over a long career.

Alberta and I were sipping sherry one evening when I was musing about how to answer the following question. She said, “Honey,…let me take a crack at it.” So here we are.

If you want to re-blog Alberta’s advice feel but please attribute to 4PsRE with a link at the end of the post.

Question: My husband got a great job in Nashville and left me behind to find a real estate agent, sell the house, pack up and move everything. I’ve talked to three agents so far and I’m really confused. They all seem so nice and they all had great advice about getting the place fixed up. One was a friend of a friend from church who’s only been in the business about six months. One sends everybody in the neighborhood cute Halloween cards every year with a picture of her and her dog in costumes and the other says she has sold lots of the homes in our neighborhood. I feel abandoned. My husband says they’re all alike and to just make a decision. What can I do?

Answer: Darling, your husband sounds like such a sweetie! He must be good at something to get the new job but have you noticed that men who are good at one thing think it automatically qualifies them to have an opinion on everything including childbirth?

He’s right about one thing though…on the surface they all seem alike. You don’t survive long in in real estate…or car sales…unless you can smile and be pleasant.

But whether you’re talking about agents or husbands, good relationships evolve after the courtship is over. Picking the right one is more about you than it is about them. What do you need?

The young lady who is new may be perfect for you. Even the best agents all started somewhere. They probably built their reputations working harder and keeping in touch. And boy are they grateful for the opportunity, just like we more mature ladies when it comes to…Oh, never mind.

The young chickee might know more about this internet stuff too than some old crusty hen that is still challenged by email. Unless you inherited your home from your rich uncle Rockefeller and think it will bring a million or two you may not get much service from your local queen of real estate.

On the other hand, if your home is weird in any way, you may want someone who has seen it all.

Weird can mean anything…too big for the neighborhood…the scene of a murder…custom built originally for a 7 foot basketball player who included a barn for his collection of antique firetrucks and a swimming pool in the shape of his size 17 sneaker… or something on the national historic register that still has the original coal furnace, a rusty tin roof and a sinkhole where the privy use to set. Figuring out how to handle weird can be a challenge. Sometimes having someone to help you who’s been around the block a few times with other weird stuff might be a good thing as my friend Martha Stewart puts it.

I don’t know about the Halloween lady. Why Halloween? Why not Easter? She’s probably building her “brand.” Whoopee! You didn’t forget her cards after all, did you? Don’t you just love these people who put their pictures on bus stop benches and billboards and in your mailbox? Hey, but even doctors and lawyers are doing it these days. Tacky is in!

Honey, the key for you is what can they do to get your house sold. Finding clients is not the same as attracting buyers.

Sometimes you have to kiss a lot of friendly frogs to find your prince. Tell hubby you’ll take care of things here and that he better have a damn good buyer agent on the other end.

Alberta,

P.S. You’ll love Nashville. It’s not too far from Paducah Ky either, the Quilters Capital of the World and there’s nothing tacky about that!!

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